Joke of the Day
YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID
EIGHTH PLACE:
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.
SEVENTH PLACE:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran,"
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
SIXTH PLACE:
Buxton, NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the
outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA , but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
FIFTH PLACE:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , as he fell face-first
through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
FOURTH PLACE:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del , as he won a
bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four
bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
As Ron White often says: " You can't fix stupid." These people prove it is
a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen.
THIRD PLACE:
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC
appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather &Firearms; A gun shop specializing in handguns
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a
9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a 50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by several
customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also drew and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of
fire.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
TACOMA, WA . Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
coil of lineman's cable lay near by. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy salt water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that
God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it.
Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER...
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged- up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before
a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be
just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens."
YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID..
Thought of the Day
When you subsidize poverty and failure, you get more of both.
- James Dale Davidson, National Taxpayers Union
